If you put it up there it will fall.
I had my entire life on a pedestal. Every part of it. Every dream
of what it could and should be.
Then every aspect of life as I knew it blew up in my face in
2020.
Whether Rona happened or not, that shit was bound to crumble. Someone was going to knock the stool out from underneath me.
They say people are often disappointed by meeting their
heroes. I knew my hero my whole life, though. Taught me how to be good and
wholesome. Taught me all the right things. I treasured those things. I believed
those things. I designed my whole life around those things.
Then one day the script flipped. He surprised us all.
And really it’s ok now for no other reason than the fact that I
get it.
Sometimes we have to sacrifice others happiness so we can
have our own.
I did the same thing when I left my husband a year ago.
I just couldn’t fight it anymore, ya know? My own happiness for
someone else’s...
And it wasn’t because I didn’t love him… I just loved myself
more.
I was on the pedestal. I fell, too.
No one should be on the pedestal. It’s
unrealistic and it’s far too much pressure.
How do we manage everything? Manage being everything everyone
else expects us to be? Manage being everything we expect of ourselves?
We can’t lift people so high and never expect them to fall. That includes ourselves. I believe it hurts others more when we fall than it hurts ourselves when we fumble because we
become so attached to the image of who someone is or should be and forget they
are just human.
“Peace begins when expectations end.”
If you have no expectations you have no anxiety or worry of
what will or should be.
This is not to say don’t be excited or look forward to
events, adventures or celebrations. Just look forward to them in that
present moment. Not what you hope it
will be like, look like or feel like. Just for what it is.
We must abandon the expectations our worlds revolve around.
Buddha says, “the root of suffering is attachment.”
That has been the hardest message for me to comprehend until
last year.
In the past attachment just meant love because to love
meant to attach. Now I understand that message is referencing attachment to the idea of an object
or feeling such as love, happiness or success.
In this last year, the most important lesson I learned was
that I let these things happen. I allowed myself to feel small and
invaluable. Replaceable even. I let my job consume me. I let my attitude slip
one too many times. I let anger, confusion and chaos cloud my happiness and judgment for too
long.
No person or thing can control us unless we allow it. Intentionally or not.
The second most valuable thing I learned in this past year of divorce, separation, and downfall is that everyone has a problem. Whether or not they can relate it to yours or whether it’s even comparable, everyone has shit. Total bullshit. The difference is some people hide it and others flaunt it.
My mistakes have shaped me my entire life and I don’t intend
to change that now. So, I’ll be that example. I’ll be that girl. I’ll share my
insecurities, my downfalls, my sins, my burdens, and my dark thoughts. I’ll do
it because someone somewhere needs to hear it. Lets normalize feelings and fucking up.
I have been overwhelmed at the people coming to light about
their mental health and general life fuckery this past year. Somebody has got to
do it. Someone has to show us its not all rainbows and unicorns. Sure it can be
but damn there is a lot of bullshit in between. Am I right?
We have to show each other that it is OK. OK to cry. OK to
be angry. OK to be late. OK to be behind. OK to lose. OK to be afraid. Everything is really just
OK.
These next two things have gotten me a long way in life and if you bear with me they’ll tie in.
1. weird vs. different
A very important lesson learned in high
school by my favorite teacher. She said something like, “People are not weird. Different
maybe, but never weird.” I don’t recall the context but that has stuck
with me for about 15 years now.
One of my best friends in college was what
you would call cocky or overly confident. Often when editing for the newspaper they’d
become frustrated and snap about how terrible a piece was and once I said, “Maybe
they are just better at something else.” I have also applied this in life many
times and share it with people often when they become frustrated in similar
situations.
These are two small outlooks that can be applied in about any aspect of life -people, places, feelings, appearances.
Do not justify your own pain and do not attempt to discredit someone else’s pain because you don’t understand it. Trauma affects everyone differently and everyone reacts differently to trauma. This is the biggest mistake we can make to a hurting being. Whether you believe it or not, in them or yourself, you never ever let them feel crazy or unheard. Never let them feel weird for feeling different...
Remember that in some situations and environments you are the expert and other times maybe you are just meant to be present. We must remain humble and know there are people with various talents and skills and just because they don’t apply to our set of skills or talents doesn’t mean their skill is invalid. There is something for each of us out there.
Lets practice acknowledging others pains and encouraging them. Remember that your strong friends have weaknesses. Remember that your happy friends have sadness. Never assume someone has it all together.
I ask instead of putting your expectations on the pedestal that you just place them gently beside you. Expectations for yourself, for your life and of others. That’s where I’m starting over. Propped up right next to it. One foot bent back and one foot planted on the ground. Always planted in me.
You need to know your life can be perfectly imperfect or imperfectly perfect. You choose. Are you on the pedestal or propped up beside it?
Most importantly, you need to know that we are all just out here fucking up and figuring it out one day at a time.
