Two You

Dean,

I don't remember the days before you were walking around with those bouncing blonde curls and piercing blue eyes as you are today. 

I wake up every day next to you and that’s all I know anymore.  In between some of the most precious moments of your life were the hardest in mine so I have blocked out entire segments of our lives. Mostly just from the first year. It was tough. For the most part I was just trying to keep my head above water.

When you were born I slowly lost everything that was supposed to be in my life as I started my own family. It spiraled out quickly and in one year I almost lost my life, quit my job, my parents divorced, and your dad and I separated.

I wasn’t ready for that. We were supposed to village up and raise you. And we have… in separate villages throughout town…

The year 2020 jaded me right into 2021. The days have flown by and there really isn’t a lot of time in my days to sit and think about all the turmoil or to figure out where it all went wrong.

I’m sorry for struggling to adjust to motherhood.

I’m sorry the first year of your life was spent in quarantine.

I’m sorry we were all afraid and sick and dying and going nuts.

I’m sorry you will never know a mask less world.

I’m sorry it didn’t work with your dad and me.

I’m sorry you will have to split weekends and holidays.

I’m sorry for all the other moments I know will hurt you as a result of the present.

I’m sorry you will never know the family I knew growing up.

I’m sorry for a lot of things that happened since you arrived. And I know that sounds like I’m sorry for you but that’s just not the case. Everything is just unexpected. I wouldn’t change a single fraction of the last two years, though. And I mean that. The universe works in its own way and no matter what has been lost, I have found you and there is nothing I'd risk gaining back that could cost me you. You are the light at the end of the absolute darkest days. I would live every single day again knowing you are there at the end of it.

What I want you to know and carry with you for the rest of your life is that we don’t live in the past. It has already happened. I suppose that’s why I don’t force myself to make time to consider what has unfolded around us. And while it is important to stop and reflect on moments and occurrences in our lives, we never stay there and live in it.

I want you to know I would walk through literal fucking fire for you. I will continue to journey forward for us. I will always be honest about my post-partum, my ever-spiraling mental health, my choices, and my hardships. Emotions do not make us weak. 

It was a real shit show the past two years. Mostly, anyway. There were so many hard and bad times. Down times. But those aren’t the moments worth remembering, are they? Cause we don’t live there.

The moments worth it are cuddles at the end of the long days.

The moments worth it was the glow in your eyes every time you saw or did something for the first time.

The moments worth remembering are you and my Huckleberry playing in the backyard just days before we lost the ol’ boy.

The moments when you ran to me when I would pick you up from the sitter.

The moments when you started talking back and saying things. Asking for things.

The moments when you said our names.

The moments when you reached out and I was there. 

Those are the moments worth remembering. Not all the hard times that led me there. Although I am grateful for the journey and know that it is far from over, those are not the memories I am clinging tight to. There is so much wonder in your eyes that I have no room to cling to the negative.

I don’t helicopter. I just watch you. I let you fall. I let you eat dirt. I let you eat Cheetos off the floor from the day before. I just figure as long as you are breathing and not destroying anyone or anything then we have done alright.

You are tough as nails, son. You fall and get back up on your own every single time. You shake it off and keep going. At two years old you have already learned something I’m still figuring out at 31… to get back up and keep going.

In two years where everything was falling apart you kept us all together.

You are all I will know as forever anymore. You are my greatest journey. My biggest accomplishment. My most valued treasure. My ultimate motivation. My heart and soul.

No matter what I have ever lost in this world, you remind me every single day what is still to come.  

 

“I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as you’re living, my baby you’ll be.”

-Mama